9 Secrets for Effective Communication in Marriages
Communication
between couples sometimes generates a language of its own. Word inflection, a
certain look, and other non-verbal cues help husbands and wives communicate.
When communication breaks down in a relationship, the relationship falters.
Communication breakdown is one of the quickest paths to marriage destruction.
Breakdowns in
communication inevitably occur even in the best families. Because we are human,
we will irritate or frustrate our spouses, and sometimes get mad at each other.
But the real breakdown is not that two people disagree and may impose a period
of involuntary silence. Real breakdown occurs when spouses behave in ways that
prevent communication, and therefore resolution of the conflict.
Here are some
ways to avoid permanent damage to your relationship.
Know and study your partner, understand his or her personality, demeanor,
mood swings etc. There are four basic personality types: Analytical
(Cautious), Driver (Take charge personality) , Amiable (socializer, enjoys
life), Expressive (relator, people-person). We humans have thousands of
reasons for relating to other humans, but how we relate falls into three basic
categories:
Visual –
what we see.
Aural –
what we hear.
Tactile –
what we touch.
Eccl 3:
There is a time and season for everything.
Avoid the
command position. Adults don’t like to be ordered to behave in certain ways.
Command position implies unwanted authority. It is not what you say that
matters, it’s how you say it.
Presentation & Timing matters - It is not what you say that matters, it’s how
you and when you say it that makes the difference. Use wisdom and restraint,
you don’t have to say everything that comes to you – Proverbs 4: 7
Proverbs
15:1: A
soft word turns away wrath, but grievous word stirs up anger. James 3:
1-18 - Control the tongue.
Face issues
directly. Avoid trying to side-track the conversation when the time comes to
deal with and put aside personal conflict. Most people don’t have anyone in
their life’s that love them enough to tell them the truth even if it hurts.
Always
speak the truth in love.
No more
lies, no more pretense.
Be frank,
don’t use harsh words.
Confront
and resolve.
Affirm and
support one another. Remember that conflict centers on an issue, not the
person. Focus on the problem; avoid criticizing or degrading the person.
Accept that
the other person may have a valid perspective. Most of us resist accepting
that the other person in a conflict has a valid point. We’re in conflict
because we feel we have the correct opinion; affirming the other’s position
feels like a sign of weakness but it is not.
Avoid false
flattery. It’s easy to bring an end to the immediate conflict with flattery,
praise, or agreement even when deep down you are hiding behind false feelings.
The conflict is still smoldering.
Admit
mistakes. God has placed men as the heads of households, but that does not
mean they are always right, avoid a know-it-all attitude. Admitting to a
mistake is a giant step toward resolution of conflict. However, the innocent
party should not respond with “I told you so!”. Have a teachable spirit:
Proverbs
29: 1, Proverbs 15: 31-32
– take
corrections well.
Consider
third parties. Sometimes resolution is difficult simply because we are dealing
with intense emotions and issues that are very important. Ask a friend or a
spiritual leader whom you both trust to intervene and help bring resolution.
Both of you must be willing to make concessions if you go this route. Don’t
ask a friend to help if you simply expect the friend to take your side.
