At a marriage seminar we lead every month, we asked the adults:
"What do you
wish your parents had done differently during times of conflict when
you were a teenager?" Can you guess what the top two answers were?
Adults
wished their parents would have listened more.
Adults
wished they could have talked more about their feelings.
We also asked
these adults, "Now as parents, which things most frustrate you about your
teenagers?" Amazingly, the exact things they wished their parents would have
done differently are the things they get upset about with their teens.
Teens don't
talk about how they feel.
Teens don't
always listen.
Communication, listening, and sharing feelings are at the heart of validation.
The amazing truth about conflict is that, if used correctly, it allows you to
validate your teenagers by listening to them and understanding them. Validation
simply means that you value a person's opinions, ideas, concerns, needs, and
feelings. It doesn't mean that you agree with what they're saying but you give
them a sense that you really "get" them. During a conflict, either you can force
your teen to agree with your position or you can provide him with an experience
of being heard and understood. The latter option is validation. When you
validate someone, you don't argue about what he's saying; instead, you seek
first to understand. If you are able to validate your son, he should walk away
with a very clear message: "Mom thinks my opinions, needs, and feelings are
valuable." What tremendous gift!
